Fear

When I was in college I studied pretty hard and got pretty good grades.  I once astonished a roommate by telling him that before every important test, I convinced myself I could afford to fail it.  I would say that what I was afraid of wasn't that bad.  Only then could I relax and tell myself, "I can do better than failure."

On Monday I'll be in another state, at an important meeting.  I'll be the point man for about half of the meeting.  I cannot convince myself that I can afford to fail.  This isn't just a grade.  The stakes are too high.

When I wrote "I can do better than failure" above, I tried to keep writing:  'if I study, I might do better.'  Or 'I have nothing to lose by studying.'  But I didn't write those things because they didn't make sense.  "If", what, or if not then what?  "Nothing to lose by studying", as opposed to what?  What did I think my alternatives were?  Freeze in terror?  Run away?  Keep thinking about the consequences until I could visualize a tolerable outcome after failure?  Keep thinking about my options until I came up with something other than studying that would make the outcome more tolerable?  It's strange how the mind works.

Basically I studied, every time.  And I'm prepared for Monday.  I can make this presentation - not without looking nervous, but I can make it.  Wish me luck.

5 comments:

  1. Just allow your intelligence and natural charm to come through and you will do great!

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  2. Thanks Robert. Maybe charm will do it, nothing else has worked so far. By the way, your art opening Friday night went a long ways towards improving my mood through yesterday. It was a good time, thanks.

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  3. I didn't see a follow-up post. Hope all went well.

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  4. Unfortunately it didn't go particularly well. But it's not over. Thanks for thinking of me.

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  5. When I was in college in Phoenix in the...ahem...early eighties, I joined the performance troupe for Rocky Horror as the character Riff Raff. Performing in front of a huge crowd (it was very popular then) would have been paralyzing for me, but when I was a the front of the movie house I couldn't actually see the guests due to the bright light. They were just dark shadows and this made me less nervous. I was able to imagine there were no people at all.

    Those experiences (over 200 performances) helped me to overcome most of my performance anxiety. I still get a bit nervous in front of people, but I just remember they are nothing more than shadows and then I'm alright.

    Also, now that I'm much older, I don't care what anyone thinks about me as much any more, so it's gotten even easier. One of the benefits of getting to be an old curmudgeon.

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