Bar Jokes

Guy walks into a bar with his German Shepherd. Bartender says, "No dogs allowed in this bar. Guy says, "This is my seeing eye dog." Bartender sighs, and says, "What'll you have." Guy drinks it, leaves.

On the street, he runs into a second guy, who's walking his Chihuahua. Second guy says, "Hey, how'd you get your dog into that no-dogs-allowed bar?" First guy says, "I told the bartender it was my seeing-eye dog." Second guy says, "I'm gonna try that." First guy looks at the Chihuahua and says, "I dunno - but good luck."

Second guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "No dogs allowed in here." Second guy says, "This is my seeing-eye dog." Bartender says, "That's been pulled on me once today; and besides, that ain't no seeing-eye dog." Second guy says, "Huh? What'd they give me?"

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Two guys are out drinking, and they're really hitting it hard. After the fifth or sixth drink, one of the guys pukes all over the front of his suit.

"Oh, no, my wife is gonna kill me," he groans.

His buddy says, "No, here's what you do. Got $20? OK, stick the bill in your jacket pocket. Then when you get home, tell your wife that some guy puked on you in the bar and gave you twenty bucks to cover the dry cleaning."

The problem solved, they really tied one on.

The guy comes staggering home at 3 in the morning, and his wife meets him at the door.

"You're disgusting! What a pathetic human being!" she shouts.

"No, no, you don't understand," he says. "Some guy puked on me in the bar and gave me twenty bucks to cover the dry cleaning. Look in my pocket."

She reaches in and pulls out the money.

"There's $40 here," she says.

"Oh, yeah," the man says. "He pissed in my pants, too."

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Bathroom graffiti:

Line 1, your standard, uninspired scribble:

I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!

Line 2, in a different pen:

GO HOME DAD, YOU'RE DRUNK

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A couple of young women, one with a baby stroler, came in to a winery tasting room. The bartender poured them a couple of tastes and, refering to the baby, said, "Should I pour some for the baby, too? He won't be driving for a while."

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There were two couples at a winery's tasting room and while they were tasting a big cabernet the younger of the women says, "This one's got balls!" She was a little tipsy by then and she goes, "Oops! did I say something wrong?"

The pourer said, "No, but you could have said it's masculine. We often refer to wines as masculine or feminine. Of course if it is feminine you probably shouldn't mention any body parts."

Then one of the guys says, "Unless it's a jug wine."

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A Physicist, a Mathematician and a Biologist are sitting in a bar. They are looking out the window at a derelict house across the street. After a few minutes two people walk into the house. A few minutes pass, then they see three people leave the house.

The Biologist says that the people must have reproduced.

The Physicist says that the original measurement must have contained an inaccuracy.

The Mathematician says that now, if one more person enters the house it will be empty again.

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This one's true:

The other day at work a customer asked me where they came up with the word, proof, for alcohol content.

I didn't know so I asked our resident punster. He thought for a second and then came up with, "... the bourbon of proof?"

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I was told this joke when I complained about chapped lips one winter:

Cowboy rides up to a bar and gets off his horse. Ties it to the hitch, lifts the horse's tail, kisses its asshole. Then he walks into the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender, who'd observed his entrance, silently serves him the beer. Then he says, "excuse me sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have a ... special relationship with your horse. Do you know something I don't know?"

The guy replies, "it reminds me not to lick my lips."

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A man leaves a bar, gets into his car, and weaves his way down the road. A female officer stops him for drunk driving.

She says, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk looks at her chest and says, "Tits."

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"A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives it to her."

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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two - one to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis.

LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!