AssholeDirectory dot com

I've got a great idea for a website:  Asshole Directory.  It's a user-maintained online database of people who are assholes.  Feel free to build it and cash in.

My wife had her lunch ruined by just such an asshole today.  Sitting at the bar at B Spot, she was accosted by a righteously indignant know-it-all who expounded on subjects such as the likelihood that her medium rare hamburger contained parasites, dead baby jokes, and how computers are bad.  In a perfect world, her parting remark to this miserable shit would be "by the way, what's your name?  OK thanks, I'm going to submit you to the Asshole Directory."

Users of the website would upload Assholish Behavior Reports identifying the name of the offender.  They would list the transgressions and, if possible, the date and location.  Other users, upon meeting someone and learning their name, would surrepititously check the Asshole Directory to gauge the quality of their new acquaintance.

Also, there would be an app.

Sure, it would be possible to abuse the system, but if Wikipedia can come to some kind of stalemate over global warming, we can at least provide some information about people.  Whaddyathink?


  1. I'm kidding, of course. It would never work.

  2. Facial recognition. Snap a pic with your smartphone, the app matches against the database and returns a Probability of Assholish Behavior rating. I like it.

  3. Right. Integrated into a heads-up display in your eyeglasses.

    And I forgot to mention: if you yourself are an asshole and you're looking for likeminded fellows, it's a social media site!

  4. Though friends swear by it, I avoid sitting at the bar for that very reason. It seems like an invitation to the disconnected amongst us to engage in a conversation with someone forced to stay.
    I am surprised that Alice didn't have the guy removed. By the way, raw hamburgers with parasites make terrible stains. It should have landed on his lap.